Miss Understood

Goodbye to Binge Food?

missa2boys — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 20:48:43 +0000

I’ve been feeling really depressed the past few days. Every day it seems to get worse. Today is really bad. I feel like I have “Slam me please, I don’t feel bad enough about myself” stamped on my forehead. Why does it make people feel better to put other’s down?

The good news is I have not dealt with this by binging. I have went to the store and the gas station in the last few days and I have managed to walk out without buying food to binge on. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I would feel worse about myself if I gave in.

Now if I could just get people to leave me alone.

Clueless People

missa2boys — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:02:18 +0000

Several months ago someone noticed that I had lost weight and actually had the audacity to ask me if I was on something. Today two people made remarks about my body. All this makes me wonder if I look like a person who has no emotions or no feelings. Why do they think it is okay to make comments about my weight or body? Now I am left with the decision of how I am going to deal with how these comments have made me feel. Do I deal with them in a healthy way, or do I deal with them in the way that I have dealt with things for half my life? I have a feeling I’m in for a bumpy ride.

The Worth of a Woman

missa2boys — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 01:25:41 +0000

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
‘Why are you spending so much time on this one?’
And the Lord answered, ‘Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands.
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
‘Only two hands!? No way! And that’s just on the standard model?
That’s too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.
‘But I won’t,’ the Lord protested.
‘I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
‘But you have made her so soft, Lord.
‘She is soft,’ the Lord agreed,
‘but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.
‘Will she be able to think?’, asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
‘Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.
‘The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek.
‘Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.
‘That’s not a leak,’
The Lord corrected, ‘that’s a tear!’
‘What’s the tear for?’ the angel asked.
The Lord said, ‘The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.
‘The angel was impressed.
‘You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.’
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

This was posted on the forum at mamaVision. I wish I knew who wrote it so I could give them credit. Something to think about.

This Is What Makes You Fat

missa2boys — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:40:42 +0000

When I was in seventh grade I remember at the beginning of gym class we would line up against the wall before class while we waited for the other kids to get done in the locker room. I was standing with a group of kids talking to my teacher. One of the kids asked the teacher “How do you know if you are fat?”. The teacher reached over, grabbed my little double chin and said “This is what makes you fat.” I was devastated and embarrassed to say the least. I have a niece who is about the same age as I was, is the skinniest little thing ever, and has a little double chin. She is far from fat. So was I. How can grown-ups say such things to little kids.

So this week has pretty much been a week on out of control binging. I went to the store the other day and bought food to binge on. While I was there I did contemplate buying laxatives also, but I didn’t. I know in my head that laxatives do not help in weight loss, but it is easy to get addicted to the empty feeling you get from using them. I think that what Gina said in her comment is right. It seems the more I try to fight ED, the harder it pushes back. So, here’s to taking it one day at a time.

Not So Merry-Go-Round

missa2boys — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 19:57:45 +0000

Damn, damn, damn. Day 1, again.

I think that telling myself, “Okay, this is it, no more b/p after today” is just setting myself up for failure. I think I need to set smaller goals for myself, take things in baby steps. Saying forever is putting too much pressure on myself. So my goal is to go seven days without b/p.

Honestly, some days I am so tired of fighting this. It’s like I go round and round in circles. I b/p every day for several days, stop for a few days, b/p again. Or, depending on the “cycle” of my ED I am in I restrict, b/p, restrict, b/p. All I want is to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy life without constantly having thought running through my head about food and losing weight. I just want to be happy.

Progress

missa2boys — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:13:06 +0000

Day 2-no binging

Day 21-no purging

More later.

Starting Over

missa2boys — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 12:33:53 +0000

For the past several weeks I have half-heartedly started over in my attempt at recovery. I will have a few good days and the BAM! I feel like I have to give in, I have to binge. Every time I do this I tell my self that “Today will be the last day. Starting tomorrow I will not do it any more.” The only thing I am doing is lying to myself because I know that if I do it one day, it will be even harder not to do it the next. So today I have decided to start over yet again. This time I am really going to try being honest with myself. No more telling myself “just one more day.” I’ve decided to track my progress on here. So:

Today is Day 1-no binging

Day 20-no purging

Why Am I Freaking Out?

missa2boys — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 12:20:52 +0000

Why does the idea of having a blog and someone actually reading it freak me out? It makes me want to delete everything just as I have in the past. I’m going to try to stick with it this time and not delete everything, not that there is much to delete. I just don’t understand why the idea of having a blog scares the hell out of me. I can’t even make up my mind on how I want my blog to look. I can’t even count how many times I have changed the look of it. Who ever thought blogging would be this hard?

Third Times the Charm

missa2boys — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:53:24 +0000

I’ve been contemplating starting a blog for a while now. Actually this is my third try at it. I can’t seem to find the right name or format for my blog. Fear of commitment is probably more accurate for my reason for not following through on the other two. I’m not a writer by nature so what if I run out of things to say?

Somedays I may have a lot to say. Somedays I may have nothing at all to say. I will learn as I go along.